Dark Wings, Dork Words

Season 8 Episode 06: The Iron Throne

After trashing King's Landing and murdering all the innocent townsfolk they could get their blades into, the Unsullied execute captured soldiers. Tyrion finds his siblings dead, conveniently toward the top of a pile of rubble. Daenerys throws a Nuremberg Rally. Tyrion says fuck this and is thrown in jail. Arya and Tyrion each essentially tell Jon that he should kill his girlfriend. Jon finds Daenerys admiring the Iron Throne and tenderly, sadly kills her. Drogon throws a fit, torches the Iron Throne then carries Daenerys' body away. The few remaining "lords" convene and crown Bran Stark the new King for some reason. Sansa manages to secede the North. Tyrion becomes Hand again. Jon has to return to the Night's Watch to mollify Grey Worm, which everyone seems to think is fine. Grey Worm takes Dany's Horde back to the sea and leaves Westeros forever. The new small council meets for the first time, comprised of Tyrion, Brienne, Bronn, Davos, and Sam. Podrick is knighted. Sansa is crowned Queen in the North. Arya is Magellan. Jon and Ghost trudge north with the Wildlings. The end.

Season 8 Episode 05: The Bells

Dany executes Varys. Jon won't show her any love, but still swears fealty. Tyrion hopes for a relatively peaceful surrender and frees Jaime to try to engineer it. Dany blows shit up. The Hound talks some sense into Arya, who then struggles through the mayhem of King's Landing falling down around her. Cleganebowl is satisfying. Jaime kills Euron, who is conveniently in his path en route to Cersei. He finds her in despair, leads her to the depths of the Red Keep and they are buried beneath it. Jon and Davos are unable to stem the carnage as Grey Worm and the rest of the "good guys" slaughter indescriminately. Dany wins and the realm loses.

Season 8 Episode 04: The Last of the Starks

The survivors in the North mourn their dead, burning them on funeral pyres. During a somber feast, Daenerys names Gendry Lord of Storm's End to great huzzahs. He then seeks out Arya and proposes to her, but she says thanks but no thanks. Jaime and Brienne hook up, much to Tormund's dismay. Daenerys begs Jon to keep his true parentage under wraps. Bronn arrives to demand Highgarden in exchange for not killing Jaime and Tyrion. Daenerys is ready to go fuck up King's Landing to put an end to Cersei, but everyone else dissuades her. Jon asks Bran to reveal his true parents to Sansa and Arya after swearing them to secrecy. Sansa turns around and immediately blabs to Tyrion, who in turn informs Varys. Arya and the Hound leave Winterfell together to take care of unfinished business in King's Landing. Tormund gives Jon a warm farewell, saying he's taking the Wildlings back beyond the wall. Daenerys and her fleet set sail for King's Landing, while Jon leads the Northern army. Euron Greyjoy ambushes the fleet at Dragonstone, immediately killing Rhaegal with bigger badder scorpions mounted on his ships. Daenerys' ships are quickly sunk as well, dumping everyone in the sea, allowing the bad guys to capture Missandei. Daenerys' blood is up as Varys and Tyrion debate whether Jon or Daenerys is better suited to sit the Iron Throne. Jaime ditches Brienne, seemingly wanting to go protect Cersei. During a parlay at King's Landing's gates Cersei rebuffs Tyrion's plea for peace, and has the mountain behead Missandei. Grey Worm is gutted, and Dany is ready for vengeance.

Season 8 Episode 03: The Long Night

The Dead arrive at Winterfell and relentlessly slaughter the defenders, pushing their way over the walls. Before all hell breaks loose Melisandre arrives, sets the Dothraki's arakhs ablaze, inspiring them all to charge off and die instantly. This alarms Daenerys, who takes to the air with Drogon to go burn some baddies. What follows is a confused, hazy, dark slog of death and defeat. Jon and Daenerys engage the Night King on dragonback in mid air, enveloped by snowstorm. Lyanna Mormont and Beric die heroically in grim scenes. Arya kicks ass for a while, then gets a bump on the noggin and starts skulking in fear, until Melisandre finds her and cryptically inspires her to go kill something with blue eyes. Jon knocks the Night King off Viserion to the ground, Drogon gives him a full face of dragon flame, but he smirks it off. Jon races to take on The Night King on foot, who raises the slain Winterfell defenders to swarm Jon. The Night King then strolls on into the Godswood, where Theon has been quickly running out of arrows defending Bran. Inside the crypt folks sit grimly until the dead start popping out of the tombs, but nobody recognizable dies. After Daenerys is pulled from Drogon by swarming dead soldiers, Jorah dies defending her. The Night King kills Theon, casually strolls over to Bran, leisurely reaches for his sword, and out of nowhere Arya leaps on him, does a trick with her Valyrian steel dagger and stabs him. All the baddies drop dead for good. Melisandre walks away from Winterfell, drops her necklace, then her robe, then she too dies.  Ultimately the long night wasn't that long.

Season 8 Episode 02: A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms

Jaime is more or less put on trial for murdering Daenerys' father, but Brienne vouches for him, and Sansa says 'as long as we got a voucher'. Jaime later apologizes to Bran for pushing him out the window, but Bran says 'whatevs'. Tyrion is in the doghouse with Daenerys for being outsmarted by Cersei, but Jorah vouches for him. Daenerys tries to bond with Sansa over their mutual affection for for Jon, but blows it by not answering Sansa's question about the North's independence. Theon, Edd, Tormund, and Beric all show up. A war council convenes and agree to Bran's plan in which he will act as bait to lure the Night King to the Godswood. Gendry finishes a not-all-that-special weapon for Arya, who then has her way with him. Tyrion, Jaime, Davos, Brienne, Podrick, and Tormund drink together, and in a moving scene Jaime knights Brienne. Jorah fails to dissuade Lyanna Mormont from fighting and is gifted with Hart's Bane by Samwell. Daenerys finds Jon at Lyanna Stark's tomb and he gives her the lowdown about his lineage and claim to the Iron Throne. Then the dead arrive.

Season 8 Episode 01: Winterfell

All the heroes converge upon Winterfell and learn the White Walkers have broken through the Wall with an undead dragon. Sansa and the Northern lords are suspicious of Daenerys and don't believe the Lannisters are sending reinforcements. At King's Landing, Euron delivers the Golden Company, then gets it on with Cersei. Qyburn instructs Bronn that Cersei orders him to kill Tyrion and Jaime, if they should survive the coming war. Theon rescues Yara, who sails to reclaim the Iron Islands. Jon reunites with Bran and Arya, and learns to ride a dragon at Daenerys's goading. Sam learns that Daenerys executed his father and brother, then Bran tells him to break the news to Jon that he is really Aegon Targaryen. Tormund, Beric and Edd visit a haunted house. The episode ends with Jaime arriving at Winterfell to find Bran waiting for him in the yard.

Season 7 Episode 07: The Dragon and the Wolf

Almost all the major players converge on the dragon pit to negotiate an armistice. The hound opens up the wight's crate, who is shy at first, then lunges for Cersei's face.  Euron pretends to bow out, and Cersei says she'll agree to help defeat the Night King if Jon promises to keep the North out of the eventual war for the Iron Throne.  Jon cannot tell a lie and says he's already bent the knee to Daenerys.  Cersei says fuck you then and storms off.  Tyrion risks his life by visiting Cersei on his own, and sensing she is pregnant, believes this will compel her to save the realm for her child's future.  They return the the Dragon Pit and she seems to agree to the armistice.  But she soon tells Jaime that was bullshit.  Jamie walks out on her and rides North on his own to join the good guys.  Theon manages to rally some fickle Iron Islanders into mounting a rescue of Yara.  At Winterfell Sansa and Arya reveal all the brewing tension between them was part of a trap for Littlefinger.  The trap is sprung, Sansa throws all his bullshit back in his face and Arya slices his throat with his Valyrian steel dagger.  He dies grovelling in front of all the gathered lords and knights.  Sam arrives at Winterfell, compares notes with Bran and they realize Jon Snow is actually Aegon Targaryen, the rightful heir to the Iron Throne.  This plays out in a montage of Jon and Dany getting it on.  At Eastwatch the Night King breaches the wall with super dragon-wight breath, allowing the Army of the Dead to march south.

Season 7 Episode 06: Beyond the Wall

Arya reminisces about her dad, then confronts Sansa about the letter she found. Sansa rifles through Arya's stuff and finds faces. Tyrion tells Daenerys to play it cool with Cersei. The ranging party gets their asses kicked by the undead beyond the wall. Gendry runs all the way back to Eastwatch, has them send a raven to Daenerys, who mounts a rescue, dragon-style. After they torch plenty of undead the Night King casually throws an ice spear and slays a dragon. Daenerys gets away with everyone but Thoros, who froze overnight, a few randos, and Jon, who goes for a swim first and then rides back on Benjen's horse.  Later Jon and Daenerys share a tender moment. Then the Night King resurrects himself a frost dragon.

Season 7 Episode 05: Eastwatch

Jaime and Bronn resurface from the abyss safely out of sight of their enemies and return to King's Landing. Daenerys disregards Tyrion's counsel and toasts some Tarlys. Jon pets Drogon under Dany's admiring gaze.  Jorah shows up and gets a hug from his Khaleesi. Bran wargs into a murder of crows and sees the Night King's horde on the march.  Ravens are dispatched.  Davos smuggles Tyrion into King's Landing, where he meets with Jaime and offers an armistice. Jaime passes this on to Cersei, who surprisingly accepts and tells Jaime she's got a bun in the oven. Davos collects Gendry, who is eager to rejoin the show already in progress. They return with Tyrion to Dragonstone. Sam gets fed up with the inaction of the maesters even after receiving Bran's Raven, so he raids the restricted section one last time and leaves with Gilly and son. At Winterfell, Arya is keeping a close eye on Littlefinger, but he gets wise and leads her to an incriminating note from a much younger Sansa.  Jon assembles the Magnificent Seven and they all go a-ranging to capture a wight, presumably to convince Cersei to play nice.

Season 7 Episode 04: The Spoils of War

Arya returns to Winterfell, where she is told by the guards to fuck off, but eventually is reunited with Sansa in the crypt.  Later she spars with Brienne, revealing her badassitude. Bran says see ya to Meera.  Littlefinger gifts the Valyrian steel dagger to Bran, who seems unimpressed, but later imparts it to Arya, seeming to be aware the course of events this has set in motion. The emissary from the Iron Bank reminds Cersei bitch better have my money, while Jamie and Bronn escort the loot train from Highgarden. Jon invites Daenerys to the dragonglass mine, where ancient cave paintings conveniently depict the First Men and the Children of the Forest joining forces against the white walkers.  Daenerys soon learns that capturing Casterly Rock gained them nothing and the Unsullied are stranded for the time being. Daenerys is pissed and says it's Dragon time, but Jon cautions her against proving herself to be as bad as the Westerosi rulers she purports to replace.  She goes ahead and unleashes the Dothraki horde on Jamie's forces, and opens up a serious can of whoopass, what with the Dragonbreath and the incenerating and slaughtering. Bronn wounds Drogon with a shot from the scorpion.  Jamie takes a chance to charge Daenerys with a lance while she's tending to Drogon, but almost takes a point-blank blast from Drogon. At the last moment Bronn tackles him into the river, and both begin to sink in their armor.